The Beginning: When I Realized I Was the Problem

Written By Kim Tran

"You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself." - Margaret Atwood

I debated for a long time about how to begin this blog. After much thought, I decided the best way to start was with my own story—and why self-development and women’s empowerment have become such a deeply personal passion of mine.

I can’t remember the exact timeline, but if I had to guess, I’d say it was sometime during my last year of high school. What I do remember, though, is the moment—and how it made me feel.

One of my close friends had just entered her first relationship. It all seemed to happen quickly, and at first, I was happy for her. I supported her in those early stages, just like a good friend would.

But then something shifted.

It started subtly. I texted her less. I became colder, more distant. I stopped inviting her out and made plans with other friends instead. I watched the distance grow — and I let it.

Eventually, she confronted me. She had tears in her eyes as she asked me why I was treating her this way. She explained how much it hurt her to feel me pushing her away. How confused she was as she didn't feel like she did anything wrong.

This confrontation forced me to face an ugly truth.

Because the truth is — I knew exactly what I was doing. I wanted her to feel left out. I wanted her to feel like she was losing me. I wanted her to hurt. And that realization hit me like a bolt of lightning.

I was the one causing my friend harm. 

I was the toxic one.

I knew that my friend didn't do anything wrong. All she did was get into a relationship. And instead of celebrating her joy, I projected my own jealousy, insecurities and unhealed wounds onto someone who only ever showed me love. The person who was supposed to be my best friend.

This realization made me ask myself, "Why did you do that, Kim?"

The answer - I was afraid that my friend would abandon me now that she had a boyfriend. And so, I wanted to be the first to walk away - my fear of abandonment.

I also realized how insecure I was. I realized that not only was I afraid of losing my friend, I also felt like I was unworthy of love. That no one would find me attractive or loveable like they did her. As a result, I projected my resentment onto her. Without meaning to, I became the villain in her love story.

I had to ask myself, “Is this who I wanted to be?”

And the answer was - no. Hurting my friend, the person that I loved and cared for didn't bring me joy. Instead, the amount of guilt and shame I felt knowing that I went out of my way to hurt her - it made me feel miserable. Like I was a horrible person.

I didn’t want to be someone who hurts others just because I’m hurting. I didn’t want to lead with negative emotions. I wanted to become someone who chooses love, empathy, kindness, and grace — even when it's uncomfortable and difficult at times.

And to become that woman, I had to begin healing. I had to start taking accountability for my own emotions - my own choices. I had to learn to see the beauty within myself.

I had to learn to love me.

I'm sure many of us can relate to this. Whether we wanted to admit it or not, there's been a moment in time where we felt the rise of these uncomfortable emotions.

So how do we overcome this?

I realized - perspective is everything.

The truth is, we can have what others have. Whatever that “it” may be—love, success, joy—it’s not out of reach.

So when those feelings come up (and they still do - because I’m human), I no longer let them consume me. Instead, I pause and ask:

"Okay, I’m feeling jealous because I believe I’m lacking [this]. So what steps can I take to attain it?"

Then, I take action toward that goal.

Because the truth is, what we desire is often available to us. But the real question is: Are we willing to do the work to get it?

Most often, the answer is no. It’s easier to project than to admit our flaws - to process our emotions. But those feelings don’t disappear. They linger - just beneath the surface - ready to be triggered again and again.

Because these emotions belong to us. They stem from our own inner wounds—places of unworthiness, fear, and lack.

No amount of blame or projection will heal them.

Until we face that darkness within ourselves and come to acknowledge and accept that it exists, it'll always be there.

I've come to believe that our emotions - such as jealousy - they’re like an inner compass, pointing us toward the growth we need. They show us where we feel misaligned, and who we’re capable of becoming.

If we can stop, acknowledge, and confront these emotions… we get one step closer to our highest self.

A step closer to healing, self-growth, and transformation.

I’m grateful to that friend, truly. Her courage to confront me with her vulnerability allowed me to find my own courage to face my own darkness.

And with that, I hope to also take the lead in sharing my own vulnerabilities in hopes that I can motivate whoever it may be to also find the courage to face theirs.

With this story, I hope to convey that it's okay if you’ve ever found yourself in the same position as myself.

But I also want to express that we don't have to stay there. That it's possible for us to rise above it.

As a matter of fact, we should take this as an invitation for us to become an even better version of ourselves.

If this message resonates with you, I invite you to reclaim your power – to choose to heal.  I invite you on this journey with me, the journey of self-love.

This moment, was my beginning towards healing, self-growth, and transformation.

The beginning of me creating my beautiful life, my Becoming Belle Vie – the journey to the beautiful life within.

With a grateful heart,

Kim Tran